Friendly Fire

Neighbor, Neighbor

I’m not a big believer in New Years’ resolutions. One the one hand, setting a definite date ahead of time you are going to try to stop doing something, or start doing something, isn’t a bad idea. You have time to get mentally ready to make the big change. On the other hand, trying to change your ways on a day when even the people who don’t generally overindulge in things overindulge probably isn’t such a great idea.

I have made New Years’ resolutions before, but the only one I ever kept was to quit smoking, about ten years ago. That’s enough for one lifetime, I figure.

So, I didn’t make any resolutions for this year. I did, however, twist my knee while being shot at with fireworks.

New Years’ Eve, about 11:30 p.m., I realized one of my kids wasn’t in the house, so I went out the front door to look for him. As soon as I got out into the yard, I got strafed by Roman candles and some kind of artillery shells. It was the next door neighbors. The kids and the dad. They were hunched down behind the pop-up camper in their driveway. The ten-year-old daughter was firing the Roman candles, and the teenage stepson and the dad were shooting the artillery shells. I tried to dive behind some azalea bushes to get out of the line of fire, and that is when I twisted my knee. I guess I am not as agile as I used to be.

Later on, when I was telling my sister-in-law how I twisted my knee, she said, “You should have called the cops on him.” But, well, he is a cop. Beaumont PD. Maybe I should have called my neighbor on the other side. He is a CPA, maybe he could have done something.

What is kind of funny is, my neighbor and I and our kids went and bought all those fireworks together, earlier that day. That was when we found out bottle rockets have been outlawed. I hadn’t heard anything about that but, goddamn, I was pissed off. The kid at the fireworks stand just stared blankly while I railed about it. Who the hell I responsible for this goddamn ban? Greenpeace? PETA? Where the hell is the National Rifle Association when you need them? I was really stewed. Anyway, we ended up buying a large quantity of artillery shells instead, and some M-115s. “Ground bombs”, they call them. They’re pretty cool.

I don’t know why my neighbor opened fire on me. Maybe he was getting me back for the time I welded the gate to his backyard solid shut, right after I had taught myself to tack weld. He didn’t know who did it, at first. I guess he figured it out. It was a hell of a welding job, if I may say so. He finally had to use a cutting torch to get the gate open.

After five minutes or so under heavy fire, I was able to limp back into the house and put an Ace® bandage on my knee. And then go back out and retaliate. Those artillery shells make a lot of noise, but they are not very accurate. I really wish I would have had some bottle rockets.

Then again, maybe not.

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