Making Hay In The New Age
In case you had not heard, former Saturday Night Live cast member and comedic actor Dan Ackroyd has developed and released a new spirit on the market, Crystal Head Vodka. This promotional ad, chock full of new age nonsense and quasi-spiritual mumbo-jumbo, explains (sort of) Ackroyd’s philosophy behind making a new vodka and putting it on the market, in specially made bottles which supposedly resemble the thirteen legendary and mystical crystal skulls dug up in Mexico, the American Southwest, and elsewhere over the years. These skulls were buried here by aliens sometime back, and possess mystical powers and knowledge. I believe I have that right.
Dan Ackroyd has clearly lost his mind, by the way.
One of the claims Ackroyd makes for the uniqueness of his vodka, aside from it being made from the purest Newfoundland water, and then “quadruple distilled”, and then filtered through Herkimer diamonds for the utmost “neutrality” and purity, is that it is derived from a mash made of fermented creamed corn. Yep, creamed corn. Apparently they took all the creamed corn left over from lunch trays all over the world because nobody eats that nasty crap and why do they serve it anyway? And they dumped it and a bunch of cans of Del Monte™ into a big vat and then let it sit out for awhile. Hence, Crystal Head Vodka, possessing a “unique, sweet and creamy taste.” Lovely.
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I doubt I will be purchasing and/or consuming any Crystal Head Vodka anytime soon, or anything else having to do with creamed corn, which is right up there with cauliflower and toxic waste as some of the nastiest shit ever invented by man. But I think Ackroyd, crazy as he is, may be onto something. I am thinking of developing and marketing my own line of distilled spirits, based on various paranormal and mystical-spiritual ooga-booga New Age icons.
•Alien Ale™. Brewed in the Nevada desert, glowing reviews attribute this fine ale with an out of this world taste.
•Bermuda Triangle Rum™ Produced on Walker’s Cay in the Abacos Islands, Bahamas, this tasteful rum possesses a kick that will cause your interior navigational instruments to malfunction; drink enough of it, and you might even disappear entirely, at least for awhile.
•Bigfoot Beer™. Brewed in the American Northwest, the heart of Bigfoot country, and filtered through. . . well, you don’t want to know what it is filtered through.
•Chupacabra Tequila™. A cheap mescal made from surplus maguey cactus plants, and distilled at a refinery outside of El Paso, Texas; drink enough of this “tequila”, and you will believe in the legendary Mexican goat-sucker, and just about anything else anyone tells you.
•Mothman Moonshine™. A rough tasting “white lightning”, 190 proof and distilled in a hollow somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains (we cannot divulge the exact location, for legal reasons), this stuff may not be the smoothest to cross the palate, but it does the trick. . . in addition to causing visions of a giant moth with red eyes, it will assuage the pain of living in a crappy house trailer in West Virginia somewhere, sans teeth.
•Tunguska Vodka™. Distilled in the legendary Tunguska region of Siberia, where the alien spaceship crashed in 1908; this vodka will not only give you an inner glow, but will also set off any Geiger counter in the vicinity, a sure indicator of a quality spirit.
*****
I am excited about my new line of distilled spirits. I think I can get rich off of this idea. Thank you, Dan Ackroyd. All I need to do is persuade some bank to lend me the start-up capital for this venture. That should not be any problem at all right now, should it?
Dan Ackroyd has clearly lost his mind, by the way.
One of the claims Ackroyd makes for the uniqueness of his vodka, aside from it being made from the purest Newfoundland water, and then “quadruple distilled”, and then filtered through Herkimer diamonds for the utmost “neutrality” and purity, is that it is derived from a mash made of fermented creamed corn. Yep, creamed corn. Apparently they took all the creamed corn left over from lunch trays all over the world because nobody eats that nasty crap and why do they serve it anyway? And they dumped it and a bunch of cans of Del Monte™ into a big vat and then let it sit out for awhile. Hence, Crystal Head Vodka, possessing a “unique, sweet and creamy taste.” Lovely.
*****
I doubt I will be purchasing and/or consuming any Crystal Head Vodka anytime soon, or anything else having to do with creamed corn, which is right up there with cauliflower and toxic waste as some of the nastiest shit ever invented by man. But I think Ackroyd, crazy as he is, may be onto something. I am thinking of developing and marketing my own line of distilled spirits, based on various paranormal and mystical-spiritual ooga-booga New Age icons.
•Alien Ale™. Brewed in the Nevada desert, glowing reviews attribute this fine ale with an out of this world taste.
•Bermuda Triangle Rum™ Produced on Walker’s Cay in the Abacos Islands, Bahamas, this tasteful rum possesses a kick that will cause your interior navigational instruments to malfunction; drink enough of it, and you might even disappear entirely, at least for awhile.
•Bigfoot Beer™. Brewed in the American Northwest, the heart of Bigfoot country, and filtered through. . . well, you don’t want to know what it is filtered through.
•Chupacabra Tequila™. A cheap mescal made from surplus maguey cactus plants, and distilled at a refinery outside of El Paso, Texas; drink enough of this “tequila”, and you will believe in the legendary Mexican goat-sucker, and just about anything else anyone tells you.
•Mothman Moonshine™. A rough tasting “white lightning”, 190 proof and distilled in a hollow somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains (we cannot divulge the exact location, for legal reasons), this stuff may not be the smoothest to cross the palate, but it does the trick. . . in addition to causing visions of a giant moth with red eyes, it will assuage the pain of living in a crappy house trailer in West Virginia somewhere, sans teeth.
•Tunguska Vodka™. Distilled in the legendary Tunguska region of Siberia, where the alien spaceship crashed in 1908; this vodka will not only give you an inner glow, but will also set off any Geiger counter in the vicinity, a sure indicator of a quality spirit.
*****
I am excited about my new line of distilled spirits. I think I can get rich off of this idea. Thank you, Dan Ackroyd. All I need to do is persuade some bank to lend me the start-up capital for this venture. That should not be any problem at all right now, should it?
(Special thanks to Gizzmonic and JackAstro)
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1 comment:
Great post!!!!!!! As you know, I believe in most of the crap Aykroyd ws spouting off about, but...damn! He's even crazier than me!
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