Bad Actors

Brought To You By The Law Firm Of Dewey Cheatham & Howe

I think my favorite television commercial right now, and that is a relative thing, is the one for a brand of motor oil in which a series of guys, apparently weekend warriors planning some do-it-yourself maintenance, are shopping in an auto parts store. Just as each is about to purchase what is presumably the wrong brand of motor oil, he is beaten down by a little Scotsman who appears on the scene, bearded and wearing a kilt, and wielding an oil pan dipstick. As he dipstick-whips the poor guy, the Scot proclaims, “Think with your dipstick, Jimmy!! You got to think with your dipstick!!”

A commercial like this appeals the quirky side of my sense of humor, and I appreciate it. But even I know this sort of thing has the potential to get old, really quick. Everyone from me to the homeless guy down on the corner already has or is working on their own variation of the Scotsman. “Think with your dipstick, Jimmy!! You’ve got to think with your dipstick!!”

See what I mean? My co-workers are already growing weary of it, I believe.

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As far as which commercial is currently the most annoying, that is hard to say, now that Valentine’s Day has finally passed. It seems to me there were more Valentine’s Day commercials on television this year than ever before, for flowers and candy and the like; of them all, by far the most annoying was the one for Vermont™ Teddy Bears. By the end those were being shown every 15 minutes or so, and I would literally either change the channel or at the least mute the television each time one came on.

If we are talking about an irritating class of commercials, I suppose whatever is being pimped by Billy Mays this week would have to be on the list. Currently it is some kind of super bonding agent, Mighty Putty™ I believe it is called. According to Billy Mays, Mighty Putty™ can mend anything from a torn T-shirt to the Hubble Space Telescope. It is strong enough to pull a fully loaded tractor-trailer rig!! Tough enough to withstand hurricane force winds!! The over-the-top hyperbole in these ads could potentially be humorously appealing, except Billy Mays has the most irritating voice in the history of Western civilization. So, naturally enough, he went into advertising.

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Another class of commercials I find consistently irritating is ads for personal injury attorneys. These are usually local and self-made, which is not a good thing, right off. And the only guys who rival plaintiff’s attorneys for being over-emoting hams is car dealers. Neither should be allowed to participate in their own advertising.

For some reason it has become de rigueur in these parts for PI lawyers to have some kind of handle, boasting of their courtroom prowess. We have The Strong-arm. We have The Texas Hammer. Ridiculous. There is even a guy now locally who overtly plays against this trend. “Arm and Hammer are for cleaning suits, I’m for winning them.” Of course, in the process he has developed his own silly, distinguishing shtick. “Remember, that’s Juhan, with a 'J'”.

I come from attorneys, I guess you could say. I realize that is something like saying I was raised by wolves, or circus people. But back then, at least those guys had a code of honor, and never advertised, ever. I don’t suppose there is any way we can go back to that now, is there? No, and not so much because it would hurt anyone’s business so terribly to do so; no, it is because these guys have got a taste of the spotlight now. No way they are going to go back to well-paid anonymity, not willingly.

A friend of mine, who takes some personal injury cases as a part of his practice, has come up with what I think would be a brilliant commercial idea, for himself.

First, he would re-style himself as The King Of Ka-Ching®. In the opening scene of his television commercial we would see a crowded courtroom not come to order yet. There would be a general murmur as the defense attorneys at their table and the spectators in the seats converse. Suddenly, the lights would go down and the room would go quiet. Then my friend would burst through the back doors of the courtroom and, as spotlights played on him and tons of confetti dropped from the ceiling, loud music would come up – the Rocky theme, perhaps – and my friend would go dancing and sashaying up the center aisle, fists pumping in the air, in the manner of a famous heavyweight boxer entering the ring. He would be wearing a suit like Elvis, with a long cape bedecked with a large, sequined dollar sign on the back. As he headed to the plaintiff’s table, there would be inter-cut shots of a past client standing in front of a mansion, another by a fancy car, another on the captain's deck of a yacht, each beaming ear to ear, maybe a gleaming gold tooth showing here and there. And after each a large logo of a golden cash register, with the trademark sound effect. Ka-Ching!!

There is more, but you get the idea. Now, this is the sort of attorney I would want to have. Not one of these preening, posturing nitwits I see on television these days.

The Texas Hammer, what a buffoon. He’d have his ass handed to him if he ever went inside a real courtroom. But like a lot of these guys, TH only takes “sure thing” cases, and heads straight for a settlement. Gotta collect that contingency fee, and as soon as possible; before all the other slam-dunk cases start backing up in the system. And while there is still a small percentage left in it for the client.

Is that how you want to be represented? No, sir. If you want to get the bling-bling, you gotta call The King Of Ka-Ching!!

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