Being Abraham Maslow
As part of my ongoing quest for self-actualization, I am supposed to make an honest assessment of myself. There doesn't seem to be any point to this, other than embarrassment. Perhaps embarrassment is good for the sole...er, soul. Or something.
1.) I am not particularly religious, but there are a half-dozen or so TV clergy I will go to great lengths to not miss their shows; everything from Catholic priests to some guys of whom I have no real idea what denomination they represent. There's even a rabbi-for-Jesus guy I like to watch. I don't know the reasons behind this, except I am certain it is not some wayward search for spiritual truth (which is what my family thinks.) At any rate, I find them more entertaining than 99% of what passes for "prime time" on the networks.
2.) I don't like sushi or steak tartar or anything like that, but I went through a stage as a kid where I really liked raw bacon. My mom nearly went crazy over this; she told me I would get trichinosis (some kind of worm?) for sure. So I had to sneak the bacon. You haven't known shame until you have been caught red-handed, or rather greasy-handed, sneaking a strip of raw Hormel out of the ice box.
3.) Since I was a kid, whenever I mow the yard I sometimes absentmindedly create vaguely geometric shapes before I finish and everything is even. They kind of look like crop circles sometimes. When I notice them, I never have any conscious recollection at the time of trying to make them. My wife says it just gives more creedence to her growing conviction that I am an alien. Maybe. I should add I sometimes mix alcohol with yardwork.
4.) I haven't seen any ghosts and I don't really believe in that paranormal stuff. I did see my doppelgänger once; Webster's defines doppelgänger as "a spiritual wraith, one's own ghost" which is pretty close, but I thought one had to be dead to have a ghost? Anyway, it would take a lot more space than here to tell that doppelgänger story. And we won't even talk about the time I tripped over a screaming banshee running through my back yard one night. (Note: A screaming banshee should not be confused with the screaming meemies, which are an entirely different thing - Eds.)
5.) I am haunted by plenty of live people; but no dead ones, so far as I know.
6.) I have a friend who is afflicted with a malady called tone-color synesthesia; basically, whenever he hears music, he sees colors floating around in front of him, sort of like watching the default skin on Windows Media Player. That is an affliction I wouldn't mind having. As it is, music affects me more than it should. I have at various times based my entire lifestyle on certain music I was moved by. I have made long-term romantic decisions based on what a girl would or wouldn't tolerate on my stereo. I once got a speeding ticket (88 in a 55, on Highway 69 in N. Lumberton) because a song I really liked came on ("Under Pressure" - ZZ Top). When it got to the part about "she likes cocaine/And making it with great Danes", it made me feel so good I just stomped on the gas -- I never saw the DPS trooper with his radar gun, until it was too late. Even now, certain songs cause me to "zone out" -- basically, to slip into another dimension; so that I may be sitting there right in front of you, but I'm not really there. This often happens at the least appropriate times.
7.) I was once loosely affiliated with a group that called itself the Cult of Nines. This was in college. The rather pretentious title was a philosophical conciet more than anything else -- it had nothing to do with religion. Basically, the group's life philosophy was to strive to always fall just short of some ideal -- make a 99 on a test (instead of 100), give 99% effort, hit .299 for the season, and so on. Some of us believed our obsession with this was caused by overexposure to modern commerce and the practice of price-pointing, where everything in a store is $2.99 or $5.99 or whatever. Instead of just making it an even $3.00 or $6.00, so now everyone's got a fucking dresser drawer full of pennies at home.
8.) I once started my own religion -- Apostrophism -- based on a giant lighted apostrophe I stole off the side of a building occupied by a department store. Had my own set of commandments and everything. But I won't go into that right now.
Otherwise, I am basically normal.
